magnum p.i.llow
(link to sally england design's etsy)
How wonderful! Aching to play dress up with someone but no-one is available? Problem solved.
Pluses: a variety of moutaches to choose from, can't sass you, and you can cuddle when it's over.
Minus: pillow does not solve crimes. I would buy this if I felt certain my dogs wouldn't tear his face up and eat his staches. You can purchase it here for $60.